"Do you know how many people would kill for someone like you?"  I've heard it before...yet, it never really did me any good.

So, I just didn't understand because I wasn't seeing things from the right perspective.  I wasn't seeing things from a positive perspective.  I kept hearing positive things...all of the people who love and care about me, telling me how "amazing" they think I am...telling me that girls who don't appreciate the things that I do for them are just silly.  If I had a dollar for everytime one of you guys told me to "just be myself" and not worry what kind reaction I would get from someone I may be trying to get to know...I wouldn't need Uncle Phil anymore, that's for sure :)

But, I was scared.  I was scared that my openness and honesty...my lack of filter...the thing that makes ME, ME...would scare new people away.  I was scared as if that is something for me to be wary of...as if its something I should be ashamed of, in some sort of way.  Eva explained it to me, though...Be myself, she said...because the person I am is such a great person.  There aren't very many people...who are willing to wear their hearts on their sleeves...who find happiness in making people smile...who won't ever lie to you or hurt you...whom you can always count on...There aren't very many of us left.  So, if that kind of thing scares new people away...its their loss.  Its nothing wrong with me.  Its NOTHING wrong with me.  Either they just don't like me, or they just don't appreciate me.  And, that's not the kind of person I want in my life, anyway.  It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. 

I can't be afraid to be myself...no matter what the circumstance...and, no matter who may shy away.  Those who appreciate it will have an amazing person in their life...someone loyal and loving and trustworthy...those who don't...their loss :) 

Thank you, Eva.  And, thank you (Shonda and Kelli, especially) for trying to get the point through this dense skull of mine :)  Its natural for me to take the blame for something that doesn't work out, before I step back and see the forrest for the trees, sometimes.  Tonight, the trees are beautiful!

I'm sitting here, listening to music, and all of a sudden the tears start coming.  I'm so full of emotion...and such a broad spectrum of emotion.  Its not sadness.  I'm not upset.  I'm not hurt.  I'm happy.  I'm definitely happy.  I'm also overwhelmed...with a lot of things...today was a very long and tedious work day, for sure.  That takes a toll on me just in terms of pure exhaustion.  But, then there's the overall feeling of being content...for the first time in a long time.  And, that is an overwhelming feeling, too.  At the same time, I still feel lonely.  I miss having someone to talk to, all the time...yep...there...that's what it is because here come the tears :)  I like having someone to run errands with and cook dinner with...someone to joke around with during TV shows...someone to make laugh...not her...I just miss having someone.  I made cookies, tonight and realized that most of them will probably go bad because I won't be able to eat them all, in time.  I'm used to making cookies for someone else...to share.  I'm so happy right now, but I don't have anyone to share it with.  Its a catch 22.  So, my happiness is making me kind of sad...?  I don't really know what to do with that one...

And, as I finish writing and get ready to go to bed, I realized what the hardest part about this whole transition has been for me...sleeping alone...literally sleeping alone...waking up next to someone...starting your day with someone...that's been the hardest. 

How many times have I said something, in your presence, that I probably should have kept to myself?  I know, I know...it makes for a whole lotta comedy.  And, I do like that I don't have that kind of filter, in a way...because I think sometimes people can be a little too guarded.  I think a lot of people would be happier if we communicated with less worry about repercussions.  But, the only way we'd be able to get there is if EVERYONE communicated that way.  And, that's never going to happen.  But, I digress...

So, I'm especially awkward when I'm trying to communicate with someone I have a wicked crush on.  I want really badly not to come on too strongly.  But, at the same time, you know I want them to know that I think they're hella cool.  Everyone deserves to know when someone thinks they're rad...it should make you feel good when you have that effect on someone.  So, I'll never put my own fears of making a fool out of myself before my desire for letting that person know that they totally rock.  However, sometimes the balance gets thrown off when I try to keep it in some sort of check...My filters are different from other people's filters.  So, if I just come out and say what I think, I'm going to come on too strong.  This leads to me stumbling and bumbling for some smooth way to get the point across.  Then, it usually comes out in not such a smooth way.  And, sometimes it gets COMPLETELY misinterpreted.  So, what's a girl like me to do? 

I guess that's why I have such a hard time with this whole dating thing.  Its so much easier when I'm with someone...because then at least they know me.  Then, at least I can put the filter away.  I can say what I want to say, and I'm understood.  And, I'm sure that's why I end up settling in relationships for so much longer than I should...because its EASIER than having to start over...because I'm scared of how I'm going to fare, out on my own, again. 

Its different with you guys because you see it as my sense of humor.  It comes out as comedy.  When I have a crush its just plain awkward.  Maybe I should record my next date for you guys...I'm sure you'd all enjoy it.  Watch Sara squirm...did she really just say that?  Or, maybe I should bring my friends with me...a peanut gallery of sorts, to reassure my date that I'm a totally cool girl...that she's not making a mistake by going out with me.  How about that?  Who's going to vouch for me?  ;) 

That all being said...yesterday...date or not...I obviously dig this girl...so, I was a goof.  But, I had an amazing time.  I can't even remember the last time I had such a great day.  We kayaked in Long Beach...great conversation, amazing scenery, good weather...not much more I could ask for.  I'm pretty sure she had a good time, too.  I totally can't wait to hang out with her, again.  And, if I can't win her over...she'll make a rad friend :)  But, I'm going to do my damndest to show her what she'd be missing if she passed me up.  (this is where the peanut gallery would come in!) 

Not ready to go back to work.  Packin' it in for a Sunday full of Football. 

Upon entering the dating world, for the first time in a long time, I decided to lay down a set of rules for me to refer back to (and for you guys to hold me to).  I figure, if I write them down, I'll adhere to them better...

Number 1: 

I will not date someone who's still closeted.  The reason for this is pretty simple, really.  I've been there and done that.  It only leads to complications that erode the core of the relationship until there's nothing left but the fact that someone is still in the closet.  Discretion is fine.  But, at some point, you have to be a big enough person to accept who you are and weed out the people who aren't able to accept it along with you.  God knows I've lost my fair share of friends who haven't been able to deal with the fact that I'm gay.  Everyone has their own coming out adventure.  It builds character. 

Rule 2:

I will not compete with ex-girlfriends.  If you're still friends, and its healthy, fine.  But, if you're still hanging on to some sort of fixation or romantic inclinations...I don't want any sort of part in that.  Eva and I were talking, the other night, about how we deal with break ups.  She told me that she's never had a break up in which she's contacted the person she's broken up with, afterwards, now matter what.  The reason being; she figures she has loved that person with everything she had, and she respects herself too much to hurt herself by allowing someone who doesn't appreciate that kind of love, into her life.  That makes total sense to me.  It made me think of the one and only time I ever followed an ex around, after a break up...for years, mind you.  We broke up and she kept me tied along on this string she referred to as "friendship"...only it wasn't really friendship because half of the time she acted like she didn't give two shits about me.  The other half of the time, she'd need me for something...and, of course I'd come running to do whatever it was she needed.  Most of the time, she needed me to lick her wounds and build her up so that she could run off and leave me alone, again.  After a couple years of doing this, while simultaneously dating people off and on depending on what I thought "our" status was...of course, whenever I would date someone, she'd be really shitty to me.  She was allowed to be with someone else, but apparently I wasn't.  She wouldn't come out and say it; she'd just be passive aggressive.  And, the pathetic parts of me would think that she was doing it because she was really still in love with me.  Really, she just wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.  I feel bad for the people I randomly fucked with because of her games...So, finally one day, I grew a pair.  That's when my life got back on track.  That's when I grew up.  So, that's why I can never date anyone in that type of situation.  An ex is an ex for a reason.  She doesn't reeeeally want you...she just wants a back up.  And, I refuse to be used while you figure that shit out for yourself. 

Rule 3:

No Games.  I don't play games.  I don't do the whole thing where you don't call for a couple of days, just to seem unavailable, bullshit.  I don't flaunt other people that I'm dating in front of eachother, just to make them jealous.  In fact, I have a hard time even dating more than one person at the same time, to tell you the truth.  If you start playing games with me, I will gracefully bow out.

Rule 4:

No Drama.  Some girls thrive on drama.  I'm not one of those girls.  I prefer to be in a good mood.  I prefer not to have fussy little fights over nothing.  I prefer to be honest and up front about everything, so as to avoid pent up emotions and frustrations.  What a concept, right?  Don't be passive aggressive.  If you don't like something; tell me. 

Rule 5:

No Lies.  The most important rule of all.  One lie and you're gone.  I'm so sick and tired of dishonesty.  I don't understand it, and I never will.  Its so much easier to lay things out on the table and let people decide what to do for themselves.  People don't get hurt that way.  I don't get hurt that way is, I guess, what I'm saying...because I'm always honest and always assuming I'm not being deceived.  Of course, it comes back to haunt me about 80% of the time...but, I'm hoping that if I start to weed these people out early, my odds will change. 

So...do these sound like good rules?  Do you think you can help me stick to them? 

Today, I'm in my head, guys.  I don't know why.  Just one of those days, I guess.  Still happy.  Still smiling.  Just thinking a whole lot more...nervous?  Maybe :)

As I'm watching Wheel of Fortune, this evening...I watch backed up episodes that I've tivoed, every so often...I realized that I would love to read a book (written by Pat Sajak) about all the nutty contestants on the twenty five years of this show.  This guy deserves some sort of medal for dealing with these people for all this time!  I cannot make it through one episode without losing my shit because someone is so completely retarded that I can't believe they can pass as a functioning adult!  It is the funniest goddamned show on TV! 

It is my dream in life to be on Wheel of Fortune.  Let's start some sort of campaign to get me on.  Write letters!  Make phone calls!  Get on it, folks!  Whitney, show 'em your tits! 

**btw...this is really good weed...lol**

My boss just called to confirm our ride along.  She said, "Girl, what's going on with your voice?  Its so deep?  You're not sick, are you?" 

I tried to reassure her that I'm totally not sick...I kicked the cold's ass with the airborne and vitamins and echinachea and all that jazz...I'm just getting it through my system.  Besides, you're only contagious BEFORE the symptoms even show up!  But, now she refuses to ride along with me because she's going on vacation, next week. 

So much for passing the time!  Motherfucker! 

Movie anyone?

You know when you meet someone new who you really really like a lot...but, then you have to wait a while to see her again...so all that time seems to drag on forever and ever and ever...and everything seems to be so pointless and boring other than the couple of random times throughout the day that there's some sort of contact?  I'm there.  That's where I am.  Waiting.  And waiting and waiting and waiting.  Tomorrow I have a ride along.  At least it'll pass the time, right?  My boss is going to wonder why I have this enormous goofy grin on my face.  Especially since the last couple times we've had ride alongs, I've been a complete bore. 

Is it Saturday, yet? 

It could be worse, though, right?  This is actually SUCH a good feeling :)   

Bionic Woman = HOLY GOD those women are hot!!!

Pushing Daisies...GREAT!  It takes a few minutes to get used to it.  Very colorful, very well written...funny in a quirky sort of way.  Its written in fairytale style; a story about a boy who learns that he can bring the dead back to life with one touch...but discovers there are more rules than that...and some of these discoveries he learns the hard way. 

If you don't have a conflict, its worth checking out! 

So, now that I have this whole new start to things, I've been thinking a lot about what it is that I do wrong when approaching relationships or just people I'm interested in general.  You guys all know how open and honest I am.  Sometimes it gets me in trouble.  Sometimes it causes me to yell out things like, "Gays!", in the middle of company meetings :)  Some say its part of my charm.  I tend to agree.  I don't want to lose that side of me.  But, at the same time, I think its a lot of the reason I get hurt. 

I think that because I give that to other people, I expect that its what I'm getting back.  And, I've come to find out that most people reserve that type of openness (is that a word?) for only those who've earned it.  How do I go about doing that?  How do I play it cool until someone deserves my trust without losing a big part of what I like about myself? 

This kind of honesty can be overwhelming to people who don't know me, too.  I can tend to come on a little strong, just because I genuinely like someone and want to make sure that they know they're appreciated.  Its meant to be a good thing, but I think it scares some people away.  And, as I'm going into the dating world again, I'm worried about scaring people away whom I'm just excited to get to know.  I'm not good at the games where you don't call the person back for two days, just because it makes them feel like you're not desperate.  I don't think its desperate to call someone back right away; I just think its rude not to call someone back whom you've just had a really good time with and would like to see again.  Not to mention, wouldn't you like to know that you've made someone else feel good?  Why is it perceived as scary, sometimes, when I'm just attempting to communicate my appreciation for someone else? 

When I'm with someone, this is what you're getting:  someone who will love you completely.  Someone who will make you a priority.  Someone who will never lie and never cheat.  Someone who will never forget to make you feel like you mean the world to me.  Someone who does the little things...everyday...just to see you smile (because that's all the reward I need).  Someone who wants to learn and grow with you, but still give you your independence.  Someone who will never let you go to bed upset.  Someone who will never say anything to hurt you...no matter what silly fight we may get into.  Someone who will commit to you.  Is that so scary?  And, why is it that everyone whom I've given that to has only taken advantage of it and tossed me aside when they were finished?  Where are the people who want to give that back to me?  Probably all together...living happily ever after :) 

I'm not losing faith.  I'm just trying to work on myself.  I don't want to become someone who has given herself away so many times, only to get so burned that she becomes a bitter mess...because those are the types who end up fucking with the me's of the world.  I won't do that.  I'll be alone for the rest of my life before I'll do that.  But, they do seem to get all the nice girls...why is that?